Brazil’s little-known truth about people-pleasing and how to stop for good

People-pleasing may be more than a personality trait; it could be a response to serious trauma, according to writer Alex Bachert. Bachert describes growing up in a home, school, and church that emphasized good behavior, self-discipline, and corporal punishment. She says she was a model child—quiet, pleasant, and never sent to the principal’s office. Complaining and negative emotions were not allowed. By the time she reached school age, any rebellious tendencies had been suppressed. She felt unsafe in her body at the slightest sign that someone was upset with her.

Bachert says she carried this pattern into adulthood. She found herself working for supervisors who frequently lost their temper. She worked harder than anyone else to avoid trouble. While colleagues laughed off the manager’s anger, she felt anxious for hours afterward. She later learned that some people are conditioned from a young age to develop a deep fear of losing their sense of belonging and safety in relationships. To cope, they develop strategies such as people-pleasing.

Bachert identifies a common denominator among people-pleasers: feeling beholden to others. They put their own needs last and feel obligated to manage everyone else’s happiness. They are hypersensitive to judgment, shame, and rejection. They worry about what others think, overextend themselves, and feel anxiety and guilt when they stand up for themselves. Without addressing these patterns, they may eventually feel resentful, frustrated, and angry, compromising their emotional and physical well-being.

Bachert argues that people-pleasing is a learned pattern that the unconscious mind repeatedly activates. Whether it is avoiding conflict, freezing up when needing to speak the truth, or feeling guilty, people-pleasing is a survival strategy. These are automated behaviors, thoughts, and emotions that play out unconsciously. She compares habits to brain ruts: each time a people-pleasing habit appears, the brain follows the same neural pathway, deepening the grooves, much like a dirt path forms over grass. The well-worn path feels safer than the unfamiliar wild grass, which represents the life of taking up space and putting one’s own needs first.

Planting Seeds

Bachert suggests that to change these patterns, people need to plant seeds in their unconscious mind. Visualization, done while in a deeply relaxed state, is one powerful method. She recommends starting in the right frame of mind—feeling relaxed and calm. One quick technique is to combine a breathing exercise with acupressure on the wrist: grab one wrist with the opposite hand, squeeze, take a big inhale, hold, then exhale twice as long, repeating a few times. Once grounded, find a quiet place without interruptions.

She advises being specific in visualization. The brain works in finite ways. If someone wants to live life on their own terms, they need to imagine exactly what that looks like—seeing themselves confident, powerful, and unapologetic. By repeatedly visualizing in a relaxed state, new neural pathways can form, making it easier to show up differently at home, at work, and in the community. Bachert emphasizes that this approach does not require giving up generosity or empathy. Instead, it helps people take back their power without compromising their genuine desire to care for others.