Brazil tackles ultra-independence to embrace love and support

Ultra-independence is a coping mechanism developed when it is not safe to trust love or when one is terrified to lose themselves in another, according to the blog Rising Woman. People are not meant to go it alone. They are wounded in relationship and heal in relationship.

Many people feel they have to do everything on their own. They find it difficult to ask for and receive help for fear of being let down. They have heard the expression that ultra-independence may be a trauma response. There is nothing wrong with them. One person lived most of their life this way. This way of being was a survival strategy that kept them safe, but it was also very lonely. They lived in a constant state of anxiety, and it wore them out physically because they thought they had to do everything themselves.

People often become ultra-independent because they do not trust others or may not feel worthy of being loved and supported. They may believe that by denying support from others and doing things themselves they will gain love and acceptance because they are not being a burden. Maintaining connections and receiving support from others are basic human needs. If someone says they do not need anybody, that often comes from a part of themselves that wants to protect them from hurt, abuse, criticism, disappointment, or rejection. If they consider the possibility of wanting, needing, or receiving support from other people, something in them may say, “No way, it’s not safe,” so they keep these thoughts at bay.

People may think that if they ask for anything then they are weak or too needy, and that is codependency. But they are not meant to do everything on their own; there is such a thing as healthy codependency. Ultra-independence may also be an extreme unspoken boundary, so what may be important is to learn how to set healthy boundaries so they can feel safe in situations where they thought they would lose themselves.

Sometimes people feel the need to be ultra-independent because they do not feel safe being vulnerable and letting people in. If they do, others may see their flaws and insecurities, or they may trigger unresolved traumas and wounds. They may be carrying deep shame, and they do not want to feel it or have others see it, so they stay away from connecting with and receiving support from other human beings. One of the hardest things to fathom is that, although they have been hurt in relationships, in supportive relationships they can experience healing and a sense of safety.

That did not make sense to one person, because in their relationships they often experienced criticism, hurt, rejection, and being screamed at for having natural human feelings and needs. A part of them wanted support and connections, but another part was afraid, because as a child it made their father angry when they asked for anything. It was hard living in a world where they felt all alone, believing they had to do everything on their own while watching everyone else receive support and connect with their family and friends.

For them, being ultra-independent eventually led to denying and suppressing their needs and feelings because it got too overwhelming to try to do everything on their own, especially at such a young age. At age fifteen they became anorexic, and they struggled with depression, anxiety, and self-harm for over twenty-three years. In the midst of that, at age twenty, they let their guard down and got a boyfriend, who they thought loved them because he bought them anything they wanted, but there were strings attached. If they did not do what he wanted, he would take back the gifts. He became obsessed, waited outside their house when they would not talk to him, and would draw them in again with gifts and words of seduction. This left them confused. “Do I only receive support and things when I’m a slave to somebody?” they wondered. After they finally broke up with him, they made a vow to never receive anything from anyone again.

They got the opportunity to heal that vow later in life when they went to Palm Springs with a friend. They were playing slot machines, and the friend put in $20. They told him, “It’s your money if we win.” They won $200 on the first spin, and he told them, “Cash out, you won.” When they cashed out, they chased him around the casino, trying to put the money in his pocket. They did not want to receive from him because they thought, “Then I owe him, and he owns me.” Thankfully, he is someone they can share anything with, and they talked about it. He told them he knew their struggle, that he did not want anything in return, and that it makes him happy to give to his friends and family. This experience helped them see things differently.

Their healing journey really began at age forty when they started learning how to reconnect with themselves, their needs, and their feelings and started healing the trauma they were carrying. They also learned how to ask for support, which was not easy at the beginning; some people got mad at them, and some people were happy to fulfill their requests and needs. Instead of blaming and shaming themselves for believing they had to do everything on their own, they made peace with the part of them that felt it did not need anybody. By listening to its fears they started understanding why it thought they needed protecting.

It revealed to them the pain it felt of being rejected, hurt, and screamed at for having human feelings and needs and that it did not want to experience that pain again. As they listened to this part of themselves with compassion, they acknowledged and validated the fear and pain it experienced, thanked it for doing what it was doing, and let it know it was now loved and safe. They asked it what it really wanted, and it said, “I want to have true connections. I want to feel safe with and receive support from others, but I’m afraid.” This younger part of them was stuck in perspective from childhood wounding and the experience with the guy they dated. By giving this part a chance to speak and tell its intentions, they were able to help it have a new understanding and feel loved and safe.

They also began to have a more realistic view of who is and who is not safe instead of seeing no one as safe based on outdated neuroprogramming stemming from past traumas, hurts, and pains. Being ultra-independent did help them heal from all those years of struggling with anorexia, depression, and anxiety. Even after twenty-three years of going in and out of hospitals and treatment centers and doing traditional therapy and nothing working, they finally took their healing into their own hands, and yes, they did most of it on their own. However, even doing it on their own, they found it was also helpful to be in a loving and supportive environment with people who did not try to fix, control, or save them.

People are not meant to be or do life alone, but being alone can be comforting if they fear being hurt by others. This does not mean they should force themselves to ask for and receive support from others, especially if they are afraid; it means they need to create a loving and caring relationship with themselves and understand where the need to be ultra-independent is coming from as a first step toward letting people in. A great question to ask oneself is “Why is it not okay for me to receive support?” Be with that part of you, allow it to show you what it believes, and take time to listen with compassion. Then ask it what it really wants and needs.

Receiving support is not about being totally dependent on others; that is just a setup for frustration and disappointment. It is also important to learn how to be independent and meet one’s needs. This is not either/or. It is both. Learning how to connect with one’s feelings and needs and how to communicate them and make requests is also important. For instance, if someone is going through a challenge and would like support from another person, they can say, “I’m having a hard time right now, and I would really like someone who I can talk to, someone who will just listen without trying to change me or my situation. Is that something you would be willing to do?”